Greetings, world! I write to you today to let you know that America’s beloved Applause-O-Meter® is currently out of order and will be under repair shortly. We, as a nation, apologize for the inconvenience and wish to have it up and running soon.
For those of you who are unfamiliar, the Applause-O-Meter® is our nation’s patented quality measuring instrument. It ranks our citizens’ enthusiasm on a given moment or statement on a scientific scale of “Quiet” to “Cranked,” as demonstrated here by Boston Bruins fans. Because who better to serve as a voice of level-headed judgment than Boston hockey fans?
Needless to say, the Applause-O-Meter® is a foolproof indicator of excellence and most certainly not a pre-made animated video that relies on the Pavlovian response of masses of people who have been conditioned to respond to flashing lights and obey the commands of a screen.
Traditionally, applause is generated when something remarkable or unique takes place: a goal at a sporting event, a celebrity making a cameo on Saturday Night Live alongside their impersonator (comedy!), or a singer holding the word “free” for over twenty seconds and a dozen different octaves while performing The Star Spangled Banner.
Over the last week, such obvious statements as “Nazis are bad,” “White supremacy is wrong,” and “Hey maybe let’s not lynch women and non-white men” have been skyrocketing on the Applause-O-Meter®, often scoring between “Loud” and “Cranked” on the meter. These sentiments, while completely true, are meant to be obvious in a free country and are designed to fall on the low end of the scale, somewhere between “That Goes Without Saying” and “No Shit.”
Again, we regret this inconvenience and appreciate your patience. We will let you know as soon as the Applause-O-Meter® is up and running again, or when we return to having “standards” – whichever comes first.
The Federal Correspondent 